Wednesday, May 28, 2008

o you seductive robots you


when will the internets stop creating new & semi-semi-exciting ways for me to waste my time?

I suppose others have rock band, a few have dinosaurs, some have the weather channel, and of course, there's the dungeon masters of the world. I have facebook, indiebride & now this.

the internet purports that you can reach out into the world, but maybe I don't. at least to those I don't know or care to know. bc said that he didn't know if I cared much to make this blog public. & thinking on it, I really don't. what I mean is, I don't know if anyone is reading it, & I don't really care. obviously, if I did not want people to read it then I would not, you know, put it on the internets. I do have a blog somewhere where I started posting diary entries from my teenage journals (I changed the names, as it is embarrassing for everyone, especially me). but after about 5 posts I got bored & have never gone back.

well, now after all that uploading & arranging, sending cyberplants to my friends, & writing on my blog, I am hungry. & well, I should probably get some work done...

Sunday, May 25, 2008

today, a year

so today my baby is no longer a baby.

in one year she went from this:



to this:


how did that happen? it doesn't actually make sense. especially because just over a year ago this was the two of us together:


it seems like the quickest year of my life & yet it has lasted a decade. parents sometimes say that they can't imagine their lives without their children & I always took that to mean that they can't remember what it was like before they arrived. I remember & yet I also can't picture what that would look like. I remember getting a lot more sleep & having it start much later & continuing into the late morning. lying in bed & staring at the ceiling for long periods of time. staying up until 3am writing (and smoking!), walking out the front door in under 20 minutes with only a small purse...ah, the list goes on--remembering to put make up on, not having some sort of snot or milk spot on my clothes, not having sand or "little people" underfoot wherever you go. books I read not made of cardboard, talking to other people about things other than sleep. I could go on & on & on. but at the same time, little miss mina is the most intense thing to ever come into my life. it's been a trial by fire, but I think it always is. & actually, given how difficult it is, it's really amazing that the human race has 6 billion people in it. bc has a theory that 1 out of every 25 people (statistically speaking) has a child of 0-1 year old & therefore is insane from lack of sleep, anxiety & stress. maybe it's just us that is this way. feeling our way through the dark. of course, I look at mina & I fall in love with her all over again. which sounds ridiculous because that phrase is so frequently used to talk about superficial relationships. but really it's like my heart is about to burst & I want to squeeze her until the end of time or something.

I still find it very hard to believe that she was made INSIDE of me. it doesn't make sense & clearly is completely inefficient. but now that she is this wild, sweet, delightful person, it's even harder to believe. where did she come from? I don't believe in heaven, so it's even more inexplicable. & even stranger to think that if it had been different month, day, etc. she'd be someone different. harder to believe we got lucky & got the best possible one...

Thursday, May 22, 2008

these things we call trees.


Last night I was lying on the couch watching the trees outside move in the wind. I thought, those trees look like they're alive. Then I thought, they are alive. Then, of course, I thought of Ents. Then I wondered if anyone ever had a tree-phobia. Then I wondered if there were any horror movies about tree-monsters. I remember the vine-raping incident in Evil Dead (or Evil Dead 2?) which haunted me after I was forced to see it by my friend Jen in 7th grade. Turns out there is a tree phobia--it's called Dendrophobia. From what I've read the symptoms are similar to a panic attack. Which is interesting because I was having a panic attack when I went to lie on the couch to stare at the tree.

This is from a website that offers a Tree Phobia clinic (it actually kind of seems like a load of crock):

Like all fears and phobias, tree phobia is created by the unconscious mind as a protective mechanism. At some point in your past, there was likely an event linking trees and emotional trauma. Whilst the original catalyst may have been a real-life scare of some kind, the condition can also be triggered by myriad, benign events like movies, TV, or perhaps seeing someone else experience trauma.

But so long as the negative association is powerful enough, the unconscious mind thinks: "Ahh, this whole thing is very dangerous. How do I keep myself from getting in this kind of situation again? I know, I'll attach terrible feelings to trees, that way I'll steer clear in future and so be safe." Just like that tree phobia is born. Attaching emotions to situations is one of the primary ways that humans learn. Sometimes we just get the wiring wrong.


This is from another website doing much of the same thing, though the irony is, they use a tree metaphor to explain the technique:

Several years ago, a psychologist specializing in phobias like dendrophobia, made an amazing discovery.

He kept up-to-date with all the leading therapies. And no matter what therapy modality he tried, the cure rate of phobias like dendrophobia was less than 5%. Oh sure, patients made progress. But it was only incremental. And therapy took years, not months.

Then he made an amazing discovery and his ability to eliminate dendrophobia soared to over 80%.

What was the discovery? It was so simple, but nobody thought of looking there before.

Here it is, and it is called The Discovery Statement:

"The cause of all negative emotions
is a disruption in the body's energy system."

Note what he didn't say. He didn't say that it was in your thoughts, habits, beliefs, strategies or any other thing (although they do play a factor). Those are "the branches".

The energy system is "the root". And from this root the field of Energy Psychology was born.


But this is all besides the point. I was just walking back from the cafe and surrounded by many impossibly tall trees, which is the lovely thing about working at Mills. And was thinking about how we somehow have taught ourselves to see through trees. We rarely notice them. I mean, perhaps I should speak for myself since I have always joked that if I went hiking I could be found crouched behind a boulder in platforms, pouring a martini & smoking a cigarette, AbFab style. Maybe it's because we can't really look at them directly for long, as BC & I were talking about a few days ago. There is so much to see in a tree, it's difficult for your eye to focus on a single leaf or branch for long. Much like a Pollack.

The first time I took acid, we went to Central Park at night & I will never forget the feeling of seeing these two trees--one's branches leaned clearly to one side towards the other tree, like reaching out. The other's branches went straight up, seeming to rebuff the other's advances. It made me so sad that my friends had to pry me off the tree which I was hugging & telling it that it would be alright. Later, I remember climbing into a little fenced in 2'x2'grassy area that had one tree in the center (common in Manhattan)... It's pretty hilarious now when I think of it. Little angsty teenage me trying to save the emotional lives of trees. But maybe they have them. Not to anthropomorphize trees, but I have seen grouchy & spritely ones.

I used to nanny this little boy, who when he was about 1 1/2, would always stop at this one little tree. He'd sit down on the steps & watch it. Sometimes he'd stand up & mimic the tree moving in the wind. Once he told me that the tree was dancing.

The one I watched yesterday had some of it's branches sticking out & it seemed to pat the apartment building in the wind, like it was protecting or consoling it.

I don't know how to end this post, except to say, yes, I KNOW.

how to move the island

Thursday, May 15, 2008

big gay yay!

look what the CA supreme court just did! wedding cakes abound!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

some days, this is like my life.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Robert Rauschenberg 1925-2008



I have always had a special friendship in my head with Robert Rauschenberg, ever since I read Calvin Tompkins' book Off the Wall. Something about his willingness to take chances & commit to his own vision--even if that vision goes against everything anyone has ever seen. For instance, (this is from my memory so it may not be totally accurate) during a performance at the Judson Memorial Church he attached flashlights to the backs of turtles & let them loose on a dark stage. Or once (even though he was afraid of heights) he descended down a rope putting on clothing tied to the rope, and ended up in a barrel of water at the bottom. All the while a cow was led on stage. How delightful! He was serious too, but always playful. I am sadder than I even expected that he is no longer here.

from the Associated Press:

"I don't ever want to go," he told Harper's when asked about dying. "I don't have a sense of great reality about the next world; my feet are too ugly to wear those golden slippers. But I'm working on my fear of it. And my fear is that something interesting will happen, and I'll miss it."

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Friday, May 9, 2008

Thursday, May 8, 2008

o sweet outdated technology

there was a time (I think it was in 1993) I said I would never switch over to cds because they get scratched etc. plus, hello, you couldn't make a mix cd.

the other day one of my oldest friends called me & said she & her friend were going through old high school mixtapes & listened to one that I made her. I imagine that it had things like fishbone, king missile, sebadoh, very pleasant neighbor, the cure, & sonic youth (who I am actually listening to right now), maybe it had the toasters, heavenly, primal scream, the dead kennedys, op ivy, the bouncing souls, fugazi, the dead milkmen, the lunachicks (which was the first show I ever went to at CBGB's in 1990). I used to take soundbites & intersperse them between the songs, you know from the pixies or my favorite--meat beat manifesto's "hello teenage america." if I remember correctly my method was rather chaotic--following up a quiet, mellow song with something rather raucous. I would never do that now. that is just immature... the thing is I never made a mixtape for myself. the only ones I have are post-break up ones for ex-boyfriends. they are usually pretty bad blend of ridiculously sad songs (read tori amos) & ridiculously angry songs (read ministry). I kind of wish I made copies of the others for myself.

sometimes I make mix cds, but its not the same. it used to take HOURS of sitting on the floor with a 10000 tapes strewn on the carpet, rewinding & fastforwarding, taping over & over trying to get the beginning just right. hoping that you wouldn't tape over it so many times that you could hear the old music below the newer track. now, we sit at our computers, click click click. drag & drop. it's just not the same. the kids now, they don't understand.

bc tries to make me toss out my old tapes, but am I really going to go out & buy a new camper van beethoven telephone free landslide victory cd to replace my tape? maybe I should go out & buy a new tape player. do they still sell them?

I'm sad about technology. I know the robots like it, but not me.

ps. I know this is a contradiction to my normal self.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

this unit is one year older


you know how I can tell I'm getting old?

  • I often forget how old I am.
  • I took the day off of work but still got up at 8am.
  • I spent my morning doing pilates & yoga.
  • I seriously considered using my day off to clean the house, then I seriously considered spending my birthday money on someone to clean my house.
  • I forgot to make my own birthday plans.
  • I understood mina when she said "baa-bee buh-bay" this morning.
  • I didn't wake up with a hangover & likely won't tomorrow.

but like ice cube said, today was a good day.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

land of elvis



I'm a-goin there.