today, a year

so today my baby is no longer a baby.

in one year she went from this:



to this:


how did that happen? it doesn't actually make sense. especially because just over a year ago this was the two of us together:


it seems like the quickest year of my life & yet it has lasted a decade. parents sometimes say that they can't imagine their lives without their children & I always took that to mean that they can't remember what it was like before they arrived. I remember & yet I also can't picture what that would look like. I remember getting a lot more sleep & having it start much later & continuing into the late morning. lying in bed & staring at the ceiling for long periods of time. staying up until 3am writing (and smoking!), walking out the front door in under 20 minutes with only a small purse...ah, the list goes on--remembering to put make up on, not having some sort of snot or milk spot on my clothes, not having sand or "little people" underfoot wherever you go. books I read not made of cardboard, talking to other people about things other than sleep. I could go on & on & on. but at the same time, little miss mina is the most intense thing to ever come into my life. it's been a trial by fire, but I think it always is. & actually, given how difficult it is, it's really amazing that the human race has 6 billion people in it. bc has a theory that 1 out of every 25 people (statistically speaking) has a child of 0-1 year old & therefore is insane from lack of sleep, anxiety & stress. maybe it's just us that is this way. feeling our way through the dark. of course, I look at mina & I fall in love with her all over again. which sounds ridiculous because that phrase is so frequently used to talk about superficial relationships. but really it's like my heart is about to burst & I want to squeeze her until the end of time or something.

I still find it very hard to believe that she was made INSIDE of me. it doesn't make sense & clearly is completely inefficient. but now that she is this wild, sweet, delightful person, it's even harder to believe. where did she come from? I don't believe in heaven, so it's even more inexplicable. & even stranger to think that if it had been different month, day, etc. she'd be someone different. harder to believe we got lucky & got the best possible one...