who are you & what have you done with melissa?

how can I account for the time spent between the last post & today?

the weddingbots have got me.

or actually my computer has become primarily a weddingbot.

let me say first, I have never been someone who "dreamed" about their wedding. have I said this before? if so, it's only because it's true. yes, I "dreamed" that river phoenix would carry me (while I was wearing an emerald green satin evening gown) to the bed before things went "fuzzy." yes, I "dreamed" that I would somehow "inspire" sebastian bach (lead singer from skid row, duh) to take a shower. but there was never a wedding involved (or a white dress).

so now, here I am planning a wedding. it's not for 11 months but I've been researching since June 24, 2007 (the day after b proposed). I am not sure if it's just the wedding or I have become some sort of obsessive planner. I guess I also obsessively planned before m was born--researching every damn product we bought or registered for--amazon reviews, consumer reports, epinions, etc. so now I'm just taking the same approach toward the wedding, I guess.

the funny thing is: I researched FOR MONTHS for a venue for the wedding—made multi-worksheet, multi-colored spreadsheets. in the end, we chose the first one I looked at online & said hey b, we should have it here.

I must have looked at over 2000000 dresses. of course, I chose a variation of the first one I liked.

btw, I'm STILL looking at dresses. I can't help it. I am in love with this one which is from a Spanish designer & only 2 stores in CA sell the line. it probably costs about $4-5K, which is like a little less than half our budget:

of course, the dress I am getting looks nothing like this dress. mine is a 50s style, tea length one with sleeves which is exactly what I've wanted from the beginning.

okay, I've been distracted by fabulous glamazon dress (again).

what I am saying is that for some reason I spend a lot of time searching through pictures of dresses & shoes & rings & centerpieces & flowers & vases & lanterns & lounge furniture some (okay, most) of which we can't even really afford. I've gotten so good at finding things that I have now been helping my friends plan their weddings. part of me obviously loves it. I mean, ebay is basically my best friend. [I am a materialist. I know it's terrible, but I am. however, I don't want to spend a lot of money on materials....]& this kind of event is so multi-faceted, it lends itself to this kind of obsessive research, especially when you don't have $25K to spend on your special DAAAAAAAAAY!!!

but why am I like this? I was never like this before. I mean, in my 20s. I used to be, like so laid back (I think? maybe it’s was just that I was stoned all the time. but now, I'm all anxious about our centerpieces. what?! it literally makes no sense. I think there's two things going on here. one, the obsessive control-y thing--wanting everything to be perfect, which doesn't mean it has to be something out of modern bride magazine, but wait, maybe a little bit--no! no! that's crazy. but doesn't this kind of look cool & wouldn't you really enjoy going to a wedding that looked like this?

or this:

so really, it kind of becomes about throwing the ultimate party that will just happen to be celebrating us. I mean, when else will we have all of our friends & family from all over the world in one room, drinking, eating, dancing? that's special enough in itself, yes, but it's kind of tempting to want to create an atmosphere that transports them to---? another dimension seems a little absurd. but maybe not. maybe people want their weddings to be like a rave. when you emerge after 6 hours squinting in the sunlight, while the businessmen walk by on their way to work & it's like you've just landed on planet of drones. speaking of, I remember the first rave I went to after moving to san francisco in 1995. it was in this space of maybe 3 or 4 rooms, all painted black. no furniture or anything, sheets on the walls for screens. barbarella was being projected on the wall over some psychedelic trancey kaleidoscope film. the hippies from haight street had taken over half the room with blankets & were passing around big glass bongs. it was amazing. that night connie & I met a kid who turned out to be isabelle allende's step-son who drove us over the golden gate bridge, brought us to rodeo beach--which is still my favorite beach ever (b proposed on a cliff overlooking it) and then back to allende's "house of the spirits" in marin which had the most fantastic furniture.

anyway, back to weddings.

some people say they want a "magical" fairytale wedding (gag). they want to be a princess marrying their prince. that seems a more than a little bizarre to me since it's not a place or time that actually ever existed. I mean cinderella's dress was made by mice & birds. weird.

but maybe I'm falling into that trap myself. because honestly, if money were no object, I would have done it at the monterey bay aquarium at night in front of the big aquarium, with low lights, & candles on cocktail tables. something like this:


talk about taking one to another level. of course, we could just do an under the sea theme... like a cheesy 50s prom. (didn't they do that in back to the future or peggy sue got married?). but it would be something that is about me & brent because we both have fascinations with the ocean (though I'm kind of afraid of it) & sea creatures. but alas, it is way out of our budget to have it at any aquarium (trust me, I checked).

but do you see what I mean? there is some pressure to make it perfect, to make it unforgettable, to make it fit us, to represent us in some way. but really, does it matter all that much--I mean, these ideas are just different types of parties. maybe I should just plan other people's parties so I could get all these ideas out of my system. I did look into becoming a wedding planner but it seems like you have get certified by taking these classes on how to drain people of all their money by preying on their hopes & fears & idealizations of "happily ever after." gross. I mean, really, this is ONE day. why spend more than you make in a year on it? it seems slightly irresponsible, doesn't it? even our budget seems high to me (though it's about half the "average" (which is a lie of statistics--there is no way that most people in the US spend $25K on a wedding--it's just who they polled & that included many people who do spend over a $100K which brought the average way up). but back to the original point (I think I had one)--I think the 2nd issue is getting bogged down in the details--having every little thing feel like it needs to be just exactly right. and because of that I have a hard time being able to make up my mind. there are so many ways to go once you decide you don't want the cookie cutter wedding. (just look at all the fun things you can buy on etsy & you'll know what I mean). for example, should I go with a button & felt bouquet:


or with a paper bouquet?


I actually don't know.

& does it need to cohere?

like would it be bad to have our joseph cornellian/victorian cabinet of curiosities theme with pink, orange & yellow daisies? does it matter?

okay, I have to stop going on & on because I sound like a crazy bridezilla person.

this is to remind myself of why we're doing this in the first place (shout out to b):